What Now

A couple nights ago I finished aforementioned thesis proposal. I was pleased with it, overall. I felt like I knew what I was doing and I had something worthwhile to say. And I was please that it looked reasonably professional and well-researched (which, it was, according to my standards at least). My dad liked it, which is good (we read eachother’s work a lot, he’s a history grad student), but I haven’t yet heard back from my advisor. I know I said “no hurry!” but I’m kind of panicking. What if she hates it? What if she thinks I’m a moron and she’s thinking of ways to nicely fire me? Ahhhh.

And now I honestly don’t know what to do next. I feel empty. I really don’t know what else to say. I look at my proposal and outline and think: now what? I don’t know. I went to the library today and read for a while. I could do that. Then I will run some numbers and make some tables. Then I will write and try to make all my random ideas come together.

Being abroad whilst writing your senior thesis is not easy.

Off to Amsterdam for the weekend.

Dreams of Doom

Last night I slept 4 hours.

Last night I dreamt of Domesday Book. Leaves of it flying everywhere. Frantically trying to translate.

Tonight I’m looking at 2 hours.

I predict I will dream of Mirror of Justice, which could be interesting.

I finished my proposal and chapter outline. Praise Be.

Progress

In the shadow of New Kid’s research blog, I give you a summary of progress which I have finally made on my thesis.  This is the third or fourth proposal I’ve written.  It is the longest and the one I will adhere to hence forth.

1. how many minutes did you write/edit today?

Over 240.  That is to say 4 hours and counting.  I’m a binge-writer and I know that’s bad and recognising and admitting the problem is the first step to recovery.

2. how many pages/paragraphs did you write?

Three single-spaces pages.  The thing is supposed to be 5-10 double.  I will likely be over that as I haven’t yet done the chapter outline.

3. what do you feel good about?

I feel good that I finally produced something that is “true to me.”  I had ideas I was afraid of pursuing and now I am and I think it will work.  Also, as Faulkner said, “I never know what I think about something until I read what I’ve written about it.”

4. what challenges and problems do you have?

Stopping.  I will have to stop soon because I have a lot of other more immediate reading/writing to get on with.

5. what are your specific goals for tomorrow?

To take my laptop to the library after class and check quotes that I need to insert and get the correct references for various things. Find the name of WHATSHISNAME and change all the WHATSHISNAMEs in the paper. Get outline of chapters down but don’t worry about writing the summaries until the next day.

6. comments?

This was fun.  It feels good to take stock of what I’ve accomplished today and what I need to do tomorrow.  I may keep this up.

The Art of Procrastination

A few thoughts on Budapest. Well, on their National Gallery, anyway. It was all Austro-Hungarian work; it was wonderful. One of my favorite paintings, not for the artist or the paint but for the idea of it, was one called The Muse. It depicts a woman looking rather uninspired (the muse) and a small child whispering in her ear: the muse’s muse! I’m sure it’s not unique, but it’s the first time I’ve seen it, and I like the idea that even muses are out of ideas sometimes. If I remembered the artist I’d put up a picture of it, but alas, we only stopped at the gallery en route to the airport and so left all my paper and pens in the car.

My favorite painter was one named Karoly (given name) Ferenczy (surname; names are reversed in Hungarian). Here for your enjoyment I present two of my favorite paintings of his which the Hungarian National Gallery had on display:

Boys Throwing Pebbles into the River, 1890

Gardeners, 1891 (my favorite, and current desktop background)

Each is approximately 5 ft wide by 4 ft high and both hang unframed.

Well, that’s all for now. Off to read and do some work that I don’t want to do but have to do and some which I do want to do but isn’t due (as) immediately.

Back from Buda(pest)

Seeing as how no one reads my blog (yet!), it is a tad silly to write as if anyone does. Regardless, I am back from a short jaunt to Budapest with my friend whose cousin recently moved there. It is a city of beautiful architechture and strange ethnic dancing.

I told my father today that I wanted to apply to grad school. He said: “I knew it” and not in a bad way. I told him I’d been thinking about it a lot. He told me that sometimes one needs to just feel and not think.

I’ve been trying to picture myself in the future, what I might be doing and whether I’m happy doing it. The thing is, not to get all space age-y or anything, I sometimes wonder if I don’t have multiple lives in multiple dimensions. A butterfly effect, if you will. In one dimension I’m a doctor, in one I’m a lawyer, in one I’m an historian, in one I’m a physical therapist, in one I’m a famouse actress, in one I’m a prostitute, in one I’m dead … you get the idea. In each one I don’t know the existence of the others. In most I’m perfectly content. I might wonder what might have been, but I’m happy enough. The rub is to chose one now, to figure out what I should do with this existence as I know it. But, following above logic, these things might be predetermined and I just think I’m making choices.

The thing is also, I don’t plan more than one year ahead. I thought about being pre-med freshman year but I decided to major in history because I “didn’t want to die a bio major.” I threw myself into my history major because it was what I was doing and I might as well get the most out of it. I want to go to grad school because it’s what I want to do next. The program I want to join is one year long, and after that I don’t know what I will do. I will have many choices, and I will make them later.

One day at a time, as they say.

Puffing Up

YESTERDAY, we saw how I valiantly decided to abandon thoughts of comfort and what is easy for the utterly terrifying idea of Following One’s Dreams, in my case, applying to grad school.

TODAY, we will discuss How to Gain Confidence in One’s Abilities -or- How to Make it Look Like You Know What You’re Doing.

BUT FIRST, a bit of background which will also serve as an apology at this point: I took only two hours of sleep last night, from 6-8 am after spending the night reading blogs, writing in my Honors Abroad Journal (a glorified blog, minus the ‘b’), writing a one page essay about one of Turner’s paintings, and a four page essay on Irish lit. I’m not complaining at all, none of this was difficult. I just procrastinated a lot and so got no sleep. I had been planning on the all-nighter all day, though.

Anway, all-nighters leave me emotionally very sensitive. Eight hours of work at Dung Hill Press is not easy to wake up for. When my flatmates are unintentionally rude to me or selfish, I can get sad. And my 2 years boyfriend has left me for an Indian chick at med school he just met. He always had a thing for Indian people, so now I just think this is weird. I feel empty because I’ve stopped fighting (but that’s another topic, is it not). And then, of course there’s the what in the hell am I going to do with my life issue. And so, I was about 8 different varieties of depressed. And then I went to go see Les Miserables, and it was 9. For which I forgot my glasses: 10.

So after all of this, after getting out of Les Miz, I walk home alone, all alone, and I buy a pack of cigs and smoke one or five with my friend who is amazing and brilliant. We understand each other. Anway, I told her about how I wanted to basically die because I don’t know what to do anymore etc., etc. and she told me the secret to success. She said, you are smart, you’re just hard on yourself. You have to believe you’re smart, and people will belive you. Even if you don’t believe it, they will, and they you’ll see.

And so, from now on I am going to pretend I am HOT SHIT smart and that I am totally on my A-game at all times, and that I’m going to grad school because I’m the best person to go, full stop.

I think I have some damage to undo, though. My advisor knows I’m self-deprecating. Most of my emails consist of, “sorry, this isn’t much better, but I really like the idea”. Yeah that’s a hole I need out of. The thing is, I think s/he thinks I really am that dumb, which is bad. Which further defends my friend’s theory. I think I’ve made them think I’m not smart, even if I am.

Why do I do this?  I really don’t know if I doubt my abilities as much as I think I do, or if I actually think I am smart, but am afraid to admit it.  I’m not smart.  I know I’m not stupid.  Why am I afraid?

Ooops. Would write more/better but I’ve been awake for too long and am kind of out of it.

Thinking Outloud

My family was so close to convincing me to go to med school.

So close.

And then I realised: I cannot live in fear.

I would go to medical school because I’m afraid I’m not smart enough for graduate study. My friends get a kick and a half out of that one: “but… grad school’s like, way easier!” No, not for me, it would not be.

I’m scientific. I can memorise and regurgitate with impeccable precision. I used to stay after school in high school to play in the chemistry lab. I won science fairs. I even won one in the math, er, genre, category.

History doesn’t care. Contrary to popular belief, it isn’t about memorising dates (which isn’t that difficult, people). I can’t think. I know, it’s a bit of a problem. And worse, I don’t know how to ask the right questions.

But I want to, more than anything. My favorite subject in high school was history, and it was not my best. In order: English, Chemistry, Latin, Biology, History, Math [as per AP test scores]. Don’t people like most what they’re best at? Or are best at what they like most? Not me. Nope, that would be too easy. Clearly I’m a mixed bag anyway. Or, more likely, too well-rounded for my own good.

I told myself that I wanted to be a doctor because I would never have to wonder if what I was doing was worth while. Clearly, when you spend your days taking care of sick people, you are “making a difference”. That’s cheap, though. Anyone in any occupation can “make a difference”. A smile from the kid at McDonald’s makes a greater difference to me than she can know. It’s not about helping people or making a difference. As written recently over at Quod She, we all die anyway. You might help someone now, say as a doctor or what have you, but they will die eventually. It’s life. [This is my interpretation of thoughts spun off from her far more optimistically stated ones.] And there are enough doctors in the world anyway, I’m sure. They don’t need me. (And, as I’ve also often thought, neither does History. In fact, I bet they’d be better off without me…)

And so, once I let go of these cliches that are just so damn comfortable and am honest with myself, I find that it is more important to be true to myself, even if it means taking a risk. Even if me means… failing.

Which, I very likely may and early on. The program I want to go to after graduation accepts 6-12 students per year. I don’t know how many apply, but it’s a big institution in a great location, so I’m guessing well over 100. Maybe upwards toward 1,000. God, maybe more. (Are there an awful lot of would-be medievalists out there?) Even if it is just 100, I think the odds of getting struck by lighting are greater. (Actually, there is hope for me yet. 1/5,000 people, according to this National Weather Service study will be stuck during their lifetime.)

Oh well. Chin up. Back to the mountain of work I’ve accumulated while wallowing in my mediocrity.  I’m sorry, world.  I’m sorry, self.

Events

I think I will approach my thesis subject as an Event. Events have interesting implications regarding Truth and Loyalty to them. I think with Englishry and the end of the murder fine in mind I can work this. I think it was an Event, in that it led the folks involved to a new understanding of what the past meant to them and what it meant to the people who ruled over them (which seems to be, well, less).

Notes to Self:

• I will not have the word “gender” in the title of my thesis paper. Since it is about people but not one partucular sex, the fact that gender plays a role should go without saying. I will keep the compexities of gender in mind, but not in the title. Background, not foreground.

• I will pursue my side interests in Englishry and the Murder Fine even though they are not mentioned in my proposal because I was afraid of getting in over my head (and thus, going with “gender” instead). Fortuitously, I have just realised that the Eyre I am studying is poised very conveniently for discussion on these two aforementioned subjects: Kent (Englishry) and 1313 (Murder Fine still invoked).

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

Introduction

Things I’ve done in boldface
01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain - with my dad, the highest in the state
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea – from the shore
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero not as an adult
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently well enough to have a decent conversation
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions so far
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life